I woke up this morning weighted down, dispirited but I’d gotten a little more sleep. It didn’t feel like it but that’s what the clock said – 4:20 AM, so about six hours sleep which is extraordinary for me but welcome anytime even feeling the way I did. I briefly went back to bed – after having experienced a very slow urine flow which brought up question of prostate enlargement – to get my bearings. Almost against my will, I got up, put on my running clothes and was out the door for my morning walk just after 5:30 AM. As I started up the first short hill, I said to myself “I really don’t want to do this” and turned around and headed back home. Just at the last minute I changed my direction, determined to keep at it, and headed down Swinomish Drive toward the marina and golf course.which was a flat stretch of road and with few, if any, cars. It was during this part of my walk that I realized I’d been listening solely to one voice ever since retiring last night, the voice of my Ego, that part of me that wants to keep me safe and in my place. Once I became aware of this old habit, I immediately reclaimed my status as a Child of God and began listening to a second voice, a higher voice, the holy spirit, if you will. And immediately, the grand world of light and birdsong, re-entered my awareness. It was unsettling to see how easily I succumb to the old way of thinking, that there’s only one voice, only one me, when in fact, there is a second voice, a deeper me beyond all the superficialities that want to claim my attention. TWO VOICES, Skeele, not one! I see my mission to myself clearly: make the second voice the first voice, the Spirit, not the Ego, the center of the ongoing conversation with myself.
I well understand that the issues I face – mostly all age-related – have not changed but by listening for, making room to accept, the second voice puts my issues into perspective, into a larger framework, reducing the anxiety and fear that I begin to feel from time to time. A lot of the issues are physical. I’ve already mentioned one, the slow urine flow. Another is swollen feet which I’ve noticed lately at the very time when I’m trying to improve my health – walking more and longer, better diet – and other things like planning and executing my small dinner parties. It took me most of yesterday in the kitchen, preparing the meal, with only minimal results. The meatloaf recipe was a disaster although the cauliflower-cheese dish was fine as well as the fresh-fruit cups, It took my friend Judy’s green beans and mash potatoes to make it the success it was. The guests themselves were a delight, making light of my crumbled meatloaf. One Ken brought a selection of wines and good conversation. The other Ken and his wife, Marcella, brought a small wicker basket with special teas and an attractive tea cup with the words on the side which read ” You have filled my heart with greater joy…” (Psalm 4:7). The same sentiment I might have read to them, so special, like the tea. are they. Judy’s contribution extended to the conversation, giving us insight into the book “A Course in Miracles”. But in the preparation process I noticed how tired I’d become, raising questions about finding easier ways of doing things and still avoid buying it all at Costco. Am I just biting off more than I can chew? I keep thinking that as I get more practice the matter of cooking and hosting might become easier but maybe the better idea is to go to a Potluck Style. And certainly with summer coming, outdoor picnics on our shaded deck will be easier. I’m feeling better now as the day progresses. The phone call from Kornelia helped, her sleepy voice (at 5:30 AM Hawaiian time) always a welcome sound. And now on with my day, listening to the other, higher voice, but in Kornelia’s manner, not trying to bury the Ego but instead, recognizing its place, accepting its presence, and its desire to protect me from harm.
