Yeah, I know. Yesterday was May Day. Since this is the day following May Day, I just doubled the title.
But at the same time I wanted to speak to the sense of urgency I felt most of yesterday. Alarms, interior ones, were going off most of yesterday, telling me to pay attention and to listen up to my body. The feeling was triggered when walking yesterday morning along the marina adjacent to the golf course in Shelter Bay. Suddenly, I felt a constriction around my left ankle followed by my left knee almost collapsing which was quickly followed by the same sensation in the right ankle, the right knee buckling. I may not have paid too much attention to it if there had not been other physical issues going on which are giving me pause. Lately, I’ve had more difficulty seeing while driving, objects less defined and my reading, particularly when I’m at the computer any length of time, creates serious eye strain. There are times when I simply can’t read and have to turn to other things. While driving into town two days ago, I was distracted by the disheveled state of the house on the corner of Caledonia St. and Second St. and briefly ran my car up over the curb and a section of sidewalk before regaining control. The lack of focus occurred again at a meeting recently when it seriously interfered (I was distracted by fear, a recurring issue) with my oral presentation. The knees buckling, increased difficulty seeing and lack of sustained focus are all developments that I need to respond to. The rest of my physical ailments, if you want to call them that, are par for the course, simply a part of getting older. I’ll probably never recover completely from the numbness I feel in my left foot, the result of nerves being severed during surgery several years ago but I can live with it. Living with an enlarged prostate is more of a challenge lately. After a period of almost full recovery. I’m now up once or twice during the night with a very weak urine flow. It does improve during the day but I also notice now that when I need to urinate, it’s urgent and requires immediate attention.
I don’t know what the momentary collapse of my legs mean but the most serious issues involve the easy distraction while driving and the deteriorating condition of my eyes. The former incident must never happen again and won’t because I will be conscious now of the need to be constantly aware. Here’s my promise to myself. If the effort to concentrate on my driving becomes too much, if there continue to be any instances compromising safety of others (or myself) then I’ll voluntarily quit driving. There are, after all, other ways to get around. My eyesight issue, of course, must also be addressed sooner rather than later. I find myself, feel myself, emotionally involved, wanting to fight to keep my health (physical and spiritual) and independence, in that order. I’m working on my health already and clearly see the need to ramp it up a notch.
I’d gotten to bed about 9 PM last night so waking up at 2 AM this morning was about right for me, but this morning, like others, I just closed my eyes and relaxed, letting my mind work where it wanted to. It finally settled – as it had most of the day – on my physical state. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m open to having a partner in my life, someone with whom I can share intimately. At the same time I have a growing interest in the Franciscan order and its way of thinking. I would have no trouble – I reasoned in my half-state this morning – in taking the vow of celibacy since, in effect, celibacy has already overtaken me and no vow is necessary. So my middle-mind worked, I’m a monastic who has just come out of the closet becoming the mystic I was intended to be. For just a moment, there prior to being fully awake, I saw my body, stretched out in bed, my arms, legs and torso aglow with light. I interpreted it as a healing light, curing any illness.
